Professor Hattori Hanzō

Dear readers,

we are very happy to report that today, we helped our two-legged granny grade her students' homework. Since our mommy had to go to work for a few hours in the afternoon, she asked our granny to watch us because she thinks we are up to no good when we're left alone in the apartment. She is definitely right to some degree, as we've done a few "stupid" things in the past few days. But more on that later.

When granny came over, we were recovering from our exhausting morning- and midday riots. We had played hide and seek, and tried out wrestling and 10m sprints. You never know, we might want to become professional sportscats one day. Our parents think it is hilarious when we're trying to scare each other and our backs look like mohawks. We think they're just jealous. We're also too fast for them to take pictures of it, so who's laughing now?

When our granny sat down to grade her papers, we were being very helpful. One of us lay down behind her on the chair and the other one next to her hand on the table, sleeping contently of course. When she got up to send our mommy a text message, we gathered a little bit of strength and started chasing her red felt pen. We chased it right into her bag, which, of course, we then had to fight. After all, it had somehow swallowed our toy! It was very full and barely moving, so we left it alone after a while. Lazy thing!

We enjoyed grading very much so we're thinking about becoming professors now! Which subjects should we choose, you think? Meow-language? Cat-chasing? Mohawk-ing? Sleeping and purring?

Yours truly,
Professor Hattori Hanzō

Taking a Kitty Shower

Midnight Playtime

Hi guys,

we just arrived at our new home very late last night, so we are still busy exploring the apartment, testing all our new toys and, of course, sleeping a lot, so we haven't had time to work on a detailed report about what's happened in the past 24ish hours. Please enjoy this video of us playing with the kitty brain trainer last night in the meantime.

Love,
your Samurai

On the Cuteness of "Antenna Hair"

This post was written more than a week ago, but Marlies forgot to post it. Sorry. 

This past weekend, our forever family came to visit us again and funnily they found the hair on the tips of our ears, which they call "antenna hair," incredibly cute and irresistible. In our humble opinion, we are very adorable in general, but we do appreciate their attention to detail.

We certainly very much enjoyed sleeping on their laps and Hattori even rewarded Marlies with a little bit of purring for her ruffling efforts. We think we will get along quite well with them, that is if they cuddle enough with us, of course.

We are already moving to Austria a little bit earlier that expected, on October 26, which coincidentally is the Austrian national holiday. We are hoping to be picked up with the Mayfair Lady, our forever parents' little MINI, but since it only very recently arrived from Canada, licensing and certification might take a bit longer than expected. But then again, the car probably only has seat heating in the front and four-legged children sadly have to sit in the back. This happens when the FPP doesn't get a chance to sit in parliament: laws disadvantageous to four-legged friends are made. Not cool! We will make up for it by sleeping on our forever daddy Herbert's warm computer all the time. Hahahahaha :).

Please enjoy a few cute pictures taken when they were visiting and next time, we'll already post from our new home!

Until then...
Love
H&H

Cats and the Abuse of Power

For quite some time now, we’ve been wondering about why the majority of security checkpoint staff are so unfriendly and love to abuse their authority. Therefore, we are very happy to announce that we’ve found an explanation. A new study, conducted by the Stinson Foundation in the United States and the European Union, shows that 83% of them don’t live with four-legged housemates (aka. cats), which causes them to be in a grumpy and tense mood at work.

Indeed, further research confirms this observation. According to research conducted by the University of Buffalo a few years ago, having a cat (or dog, for that matter) controls your blood pressure better than medication, namely ACE (angiotensin converting enzyme) inhibitors. The lead researcher, Dr. Allen, concluded that a pet’s love had a calming effect on both blood pressure and heart rate. Rumors have it that after the study’s results were published, many New York stockbrokers, who were the study’s participant group, went out to get cats. Another, slightly more recent study confirmed these findings. According to an article published in the Journal Psychosomatic Medicine, “the presence of pets was associated with lower perceived and actual responses to stress” by participants. Enough proof, friends?

But what about the other 17%? We’re glad you asked, two-legged friends! 83% of the remaining 17% do have cats, but they are frustrated about their lack of authority at home, so they try to take it out on innocent people trying to get on a plane or into a building like the United Nations. Cats usually get their way with their two-legged housemates because, let’s be honest, we are really cute! The rest, 17%, are friendly. How much is 17% of 17%? Sorry, we haven’t had math classes at kitty-meow school yet, but we certainly think it is only a very tiny portion of all the security personnel.

Here are a few stories we’ve heard from people who’ve come in contact “with the law”: For your entertainment only!

Security staff, for the purpose of readability, have been assigned the abbreviation SS. JD stands for June Doe.

Frankfurt Airport, Germany, July 2013: A woman is forced to unpack her entire cabin trolley.

SS: Madam, please unpack your cabin trolley. We’ve detected that you have a knife in your luggage.

JD: I think you’re mistaken. I certainly don’t have a knife in my bag. I just got off my plane from Los Angeles.

SS: Don’t argue with me and unpack it, quickly, we don’t have all day.

JD: I’m in a hurry to catch my connecting flight and it took me three hours of playing Tetris to fit everything in the suitcase.

SS: I don’t care how you waste your time. We are convinced you are carrying a knife with you. Just follow our orders already or we will have you arrested. 

JD is unpacking her whole cabin trolley and SS is unable to find a knife.

SS: Take it apart further.

JD: Are you serious?

Another SS, SS2, who is in charge of staring at the computer, is coming over.

SS2: It was in the bottom left hand corner of your trolley. Let’s see. I think it’s in this box. Open it immediately.

JD: Ok. See, no knife in there.

SS2: Oh, it is a fridge magnet. You may leave.

London Heathrow Airport, United Kingdom, April 2013: A woman would like a personal search instead of going through the body scanner.

The metal detector beeps.

SS: Madam, please step into the body scanner.

JD: I would like to opt out and get a personal search instead.

SS: You don’t have a choice, ma’am.

JD: What do you mean I don’t have a choice? Even in the US, you can opt out.

SS: In case you haven’t noticed, you’re not in the United States, ma’am; you’re in England.

JD: Thanks a lot, I have noticed because I was supposed to transfer in Frankfurt, but I missed my connection in Vancouver. If I had not, I would already be home and not debating with you. 

SS: Please step into the body scanner or you will be denied boarding.

JD: You know what. It’s been a long day and I don’t care. You are violating my human rights and I am not happy about it. I politely asked you for a personal search and I don’t see why this is such a big problem. I am working on privacy rights regarding the use of body scanners, so out of principle, I won’t let you force me to go in there.

SS: I am calling my supervisor. We will have you arrested.

JD: Fine

The supervisor agrees to conduct a personal search. The two women in the room think JD doesn’t speak English and keep making fun of her for opting out of the body scanner. They touch her very rudely and inappropriately because they don’t see why they should have to go through the hassle of doing a personal search.

Security Checkpoint, United Nations, Vienna, Austria, October 2013: A woman doesn’t have a computer, but an e-reader “computer.” Also, aren’t phones computers?

SS: You, woman, unpack your computer!

JD: I don’t have a computer with me.

SS: There’s a computer in there.

JD: My laptop is at home.

SS: Then whose tray is the one with the thermos flasks?

JD: It’s mine, but, as I said, I don’t have a computer with me, just a little e-reader.

SS: Grrrrrr… go back and take it out for me.

JD is walking back to where the conveyor belt starts. Another SS, SS2, is standing there.

JD (to SS2): I’m sorry I didn’t know I had to take it out because I’ve been taking it to work for three weeks and I’ve never been asked to take it out.

SS is coming over, fuming.

SS: Stop complaining and start following orders! You lied to me! This is inacceptable

JD: I just apologized. I didn’t know you were talking about my e-reader, since you were talking about a computer, which, as you can see, I am not carrying with me. 

SS: This is ridiculous. Isn’t a mobile telephone also a computer? Grrrrr…

JD really wanted to say: “If everything is a computer, why do we have special categories of devices, such as tablets, e-readers, mobile phones, MP3 players, etc.?”

Security Checkpoint, United Nations, Vienna, Austria, a day later: The woman “still isn’t following orders.”

SS (to SS2, the same as SS2 the day before): There’s something in her bag.

SS2 (to JD): It is your e-reader isn’t it. We asked you to take it out and you are still not following our orders. It’s incredible… grrrrr…

JD: Sorry.

SS: Open this bag.

JD: It’s my lunch. Look, I have a thermos food container and…

SS: Open it! I want to have a look at your food!

Seriously? Well, of course quinoa and vegetables can be a threat to national security. Haha!

You get the point, right?

Love, 

H & H 

The Importance of Cats in Austrian Politics

Chancellor Faymann: "Is this a cat or what is it?"

Purr-fect Elections?

Dear readers, 

first, we must sincerely apologize for not commenting on last Sunday’s Austrian elections earlier. We take politics in our future home country very seriously, but we were occupied with learning how to use the stairs, chasing our four-legged mommy’s tail, and playing with lens caps and feather dusters. 

Overall, we are very disappointed in the results because the Four Paws Party (FPP) did not get enough signatures to compete in the elections in the first place. Nobody realizes how hard it is to hold a pen with a paw and produce a legible signature. Try using your toes, my two-legged friends. Anyway, of course we were very impressed with the party’s manifesto, which stipulated:

1. It should be compulsory for two-legged housemates to cuddle with their cats at least two hours a day during the week and three hours on weekends. 
2. All computers of the household, especially warm ones that are in the process of being used, are actually the cats’ property. 
3. Cats should be fed with delicious food whenever they are hungry. 
4. It is acceptable for a cat to wake up his or her two-legged housemate(s) at all times, even during the night, if they feel they urgently need affection. Acceptable “wake-up calls” are licking the two-legged friend, walking on him/her and meow-ing pitifully.  
5. Toys need to be provided whenever the two-legged housemate is not home. These can include fake mice, fabric balls, boxes, and many more. 

Of course we followed the election campaign very closely in spite of our party’s unsuccessful candidature. Occasionally, we fell asleep during TV confrontations – we’re cats after all— but we loved “Wahlfahrt,” where Hanno Settele of the Austrian television station ORF drove the candidates around Austria in a Mercedes oldtimer, that funnily broke down in the last episode.  

Our favorite episode was the first one, featuring Bucher and Strohsack (straw sack- rumors are that this is Stronach’s birth name). Bucher (BZÖ- Alliance for the Future of Austria), wearing Lederhosen, came across as very sociable, easy-going and friendly. He chatted with Settele very casually, with both of them laughing and giggling a lot. Suddenly, Settele pulled over the black Benz and announced he had a surprise for Bucher. Both of them got out of the car and Settele made Bucher stand next to one of his campaign posters (below). He demanded: “Mimic the facial impression you have on the poster.” Bucher, however hard he tried, couldn’t look as grumpy as he did in the picture. He could only laugh more. Even though we don’t agree with his party’s right wing politics, we must say we are saddened he didn’t manage to get a seat in parliament. 

We loved all the campaign posters, primarily because the majority of them looked ridiculous. Recently, we heard someone say Faymann looked like he was plotting to avenge the theft of the chocolate Easter bunny he was saving for a meeting with chocolate Santa Clause later in the year. We would like to point out though that, of course, we were very excited to see four-legged friends (sheep) pictured on some of the Green Party’s posters, but for the future we would suggest involving cats in the next election campaign. We are way cuter.

Lastly, even though we are “blue,” we are strongly opposed to the Freedom Party’s right-wing politics (the party colors are blue). As cute German-Polish four-legged citizens of the EU, we think the Freedom Party’s populist slogans are ridiculous. All two-legged friends are equal, as long as they are willing to cuddle with us. We sincerely hope that the party, which got over 20% in the elections, won’t be part of the government because it isn’t too easy for us to leave the country if we’re unhappy with politics in the country. Let's hope our Four Paws Party will be more successful at the next elections in 2018. 

Bucher

Faymann