Cats and the Abuse of Power

For quite some time now, we’ve been wondering about why the majority of security checkpoint staff are so unfriendly and love to abuse their authority. Therefore, we are very happy to announce that we’ve found an explanation. A new study, conducted by the Stinson Foundation in the United States and the European Union, shows that 83% of them don’t live with four-legged housemates (aka. cats), which causes them to be in a grumpy and tense mood at work.

Indeed, further research confirms this observation. According to research conducted by the University of Buffalo a few years ago, having a cat (or dog, for that matter) controls your blood pressure better than medication, namely ACE (angiotensin converting enzyme) inhibitors. The lead researcher, Dr. Allen, concluded that a pet’s love had a calming effect on both blood pressure and heart rate. Rumors have it that after the study’s results were published, many New York stockbrokers, who were the study’s participant group, went out to get cats. Another, slightly more recent study confirmed these findings. According to an article published in the Journal Psychosomatic Medicine, “the presence of pets was associated with lower perceived and actual responses to stress” by participants. Enough proof, friends?

But what about the other 17%? We’re glad you asked, two-legged friends! 83% of the remaining 17% do have cats, but they are frustrated about their lack of authority at home, so they try to take it out on innocent people trying to get on a plane or into a building like the United Nations. Cats usually get their way with their two-legged housemates because, let’s be honest, we are really cute! The rest, 17%, are friendly. How much is 17% of 17%? Sorry, we haven’t had math classes at kitty-meow school yet, but we certainly think it is only a very tiny portion of all the security personnel.

Here are a few stories we’ve heard from people who’ve come in contact “with the law”: For your entertainment only!

Security staff, for the purpose of readability, have been assigned the abbreviation SS. JD stands for June Doe.

Frankfurt Airport, Germany, July 2013: A woman is forced to unpack her entire cabin trolley.

SS: Madam, please unpack your cabin trolley. We’ve detected that you have a knife in your luggage.

JD: I think you’re mistaken. I certainly don’t have a knife in my bag. I just got off my plane from Los Angeles.

SS: Don’t argue with me and unpack it, quickly, we don’t have all day.

JD: I’m in a hurry to catch my connecting flight and it took me three hours of playing Tetris to fit everything in the suitcase.

SS: I don’t care how you waste your time. We are convinced you are carrying a knife with you. Just follow our orders already or we will have you arrested. 

JD is unpacking her whole cabin trolley and SS is unable to find a knife.

SS: Take it apart further.

JD: Are you serious?

Another SS, SS2, who is in charge of staring at the computer, is coming over.

SS2: It was in the bottom left hand corner of your trolley. Let’s see. I think it’s in this box. Open it immediately.

JD: Ok. See, no knife in there.

SS2: Oh, it is a fridge magnet. You may leave.

London Heathrow Airport, United Kingdom, April 2013: A woman would like a personal search instead of going through the body scanner.

The metal detector beeps.

SS: Madam, please step into the body scanner.

JD: I would like to opt out and get a personal search instead.

SS: You don’t have a choice, ma’am.

JD: What do you mean I don’t have a choice? Even in the US, you can opt out.

SS: In case you haven’t noticed, you’re not in the United States, ma’am; you’re in England.

JD: Thanks a lot, I have noticed because I was supposed to transfer in Frankfurt, but I missed my connection in Vancouver. If I had not, I would already be home and not debating with you. 

SS: Please step into the body scanner or you will be denied boarding.

JD: You know what. It’s been a long day and I don’t care. You are violating my human rights and I am not happy about it. I politely asked you for a personal search and I don’t see why this is such a big problem. I am working on privacy rights regarding the use of body scanners, so out of principle, I won’t let you force me to go in there.

SS: I am calling my supervisor. We will have you arrested.

JD: Fine

The supervisor agrees to conduct a personal search. The two women in the room think JD doesn’t speak English and keep making fun of her for opting out of the body scanner. They touch her very rudely and inappropriately because they don’t see why they should have to go through the hassle of doing a personal search.

Security Checkpoint, United Nations, Vienna, Austria, October 2013: A woman doesn’t have a computer, but an e-reader “computer.” Also, aren’t phones computers?

SS: You, woman, unpack your computer!

JD: I don’t have a computer with me.

SS: There’s a computer in there.

JD: My laptop is at home.

SS: Then whose tray is the one with the thermos flasks?

JD: It’s mine, but, as I said, I don’t have a computer with me, just a little e-reader.

SS: Grrrrrr… go back and take it out for me.

JD is walking back to where the conveyor belt starts. Another SS, SS2, is standing there.

JD (to SS2): I’m sorry I didn’t know I had to take it out because I’ve been taking it to work for three weeks and I’ve never been asked to take it out.

SS is coming over, fuming.

SS: Stop complaining and start following orders! You lied to me! This is inacceptable

JD: I just apologized. I didn’t know you were talking about my e-reader, since you were talking about a computer, which, as you can see, I am not carrying with me. 

SS: This is ridiculous. Isn’t a mobile telephone also a computer? Grrrrr…

JD really wanted to say: “If everything is a computer, why do we have special categories of devices, such as tablets, e-readers, mobile phones, MP3 players, etc.?”

Security Checkpoint, United Nations, Vienna, Austria, a day later: The woman “still isn’t following orders.”

SS (to SS2, the same as SS2 the day before): There’s something in her bag.

SS2 (to JD): It is your e-reader isn’t it. We asked you to take it out and you are still not following our orders. It’s incredible… grrrrr…

JD: Sorry.

SS: Open this bag.

JD: It’s my lunch. Look, I have a thermos food container and…

SS: Open it! I want to have a look at your food!

Seriously? Well, of course quinoa and vegetables can be a threat to national security. Haha!

You get the point, right?

Love, 

H & H